It's been a year since we stepped into any parent's worst nightmare. A rare Saturday off that was meant to be spent with my family exploring our beautiful city turned into our own horror story as I found Jude dead in his cot. So unexpected, out of the blue. So final.
Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions the past 9 months have been. Sadness, despair, fear, grief, oh so many tears shed. But amidst it all there has been the hope, excitement and anticipation of a new life growing inside of me.
Mikaela Isabella, it's so good to finally meet you, you are perfect and beautiful in every way possible. Thank you for helping to heal our shattered hearts a little bit at a time.
Last night I dreamed that I was in the middle of a shoot and needed to change my lens. When I leaned down to my camera bag, I saw that the fronts of all my lenses had been smashed and there were chunks of glass scattered in my bag. I hadn't seen what caused it, it just was and I couldn't understand what had happened. Surely I would have seen or heard something or someone cause that? But no, it just was. It didn't occur to me in the dream to cancel the shoot - I realised that I was going to get some very different images from the session.
So many well-meaning people have said to us in sympathy: 'Wow, this is a very, very, VERY long road you guys are on'.
To a newly-grieving person, these words are nothing short of terrifying - a day is torturous to get through and if that's only a small segment of this very long road, then how the hell do you manage to get through the rest of the journey without losing the will to live?
'Today I will be unafraid. I will enjoy what is beautiful, and believe as I give to the world, so the world will give to me'
So many things have shifted in our New World. After reading this quote online the other day, I realised that a shift in my beliefs is one of the most fundamental changes that has taken place. This is a beautiful quote and one that I would have easily identified with in the past but now I know otherwise - the world does not always give you what your 'deserve'.
For seventy-three days we have survived. We have endured. We have limped along through our Changed World with our invisible amputation, biding the Passage of Time. We wake up in the same room, work in the same places, drive the same roads, see the same friends, but we are no longer the same people and the world for us is not the same.
My most precious Judle-Noodle
I remember bringing you home from the hospital, sitting on my couch, crying tears of happiness at your arrival into our lives. You had come early and there was no one to help me out, but I knew that we would be fine. We were home and you were mine.