73 days18 May 2010
For seventy-three days we have survived. We have endured. We have limped along through our Changed World with our invisible amputation, biding the Passage of Time. We wake up in the same room, work in the same places, drive the same roads, see the same friends, but we are no longer the same people and the world for us is not the same.
On the morning of our changed lives, I remember numbly saying to someone that it would be impossible for me not to be a bitter and twisted after what we had been subjected to. It's been a relief to discover that bitterness has not been a side effect of this, I don't feel a hint of bitterness towards other people's perfect lives. I do wonder though - will we really be truly truly happy ever again? That really deep down happiness and contentment that fills your soul? I had written in my journal a few days before Jude's death about how deeply grateful, content and fulfilled I felt and somehow that now feels like somebody else's life. I know that I still have so much to be grateful for but sometimes it's hard to realise.
What I am grateful for is that the intense grief has changed from beating ourselves up and feeling like we could have done something into some kind of acceptance and integrating this horrific event into our lifestory. I am intensely grateful that I have an amazing husband to relate to and to cry and identify with and to remember together. I am grateful that I have another chance at being a mom with a new life growing inside me.
Now that the wedding season is winding down I've had some time to go through my personal photos and remember. These were taken in February a few weeks before he died. Some of my imported albums arrived in a box which Jude merrily amused himself with for ages. Simon came home and it looked like Christmas in the Northern Hemisphere and I cursed myself for having freely let him make a mess as it took just as long to clean up the whole of the lounge floor. Now I would do it all over again.