Five

Five

05 September 2013

Jude

For the last few weeks, your fifth birthday has been looming in my mind and I have not known what I should write to you, as I write this I have no idea what to say. You should be five today.

Was it only five years ago that you committed me to the tribe of Motherhood? Before having you, I'll admit to having rolled an eye or five at various overly-adoring or over-protective mothers. When you came into the world on a mild September morning at 11.45am, I instantly realised what they were all about. 

On that day and many to follow, you taught me so much about selflessness and giving everything I had - often when I felt that there was nothing left to give. I felt complete and fullfilled and exhausted and overwhelmed and besotted and like I had waited for you my whole life.

When you were ripped away from us so suddenly, I didn't know who I was anymore. We were hurtled into the club that no one warns you about, but that you know you most definitely don't want to be a part of - that of those people who have lost a child, the club for which there is no name. I did not know who I could be or who I was anymore. Once you are a mother there is no going back -  you cannot unlearn the love and sacrifices and beauty and relentlessness of motherhood. 

Our hearts are once again full of so much love and we are so thankful for your two beautiful sisters who have reintroduced us into the realm of Parenthood. They know that 'Jude' is their 'brother', but they have no idea what that really means yet. I so wish that they could meet you. Would Mikaela be as girly if you were around? India and you are so similar in looks and personality, it is quite disconcerting sometimes and other times quite comforting. Would she even be here if you were still around?

What would you look like? What would you be doing? Who would you be now? The concept of you as a real little boy of five years old is beyond me, I cannot begin to imagine it at all. I don't know if I will ever be able to celebrate this day as people say we should but I will always be grateful for the lessons you taught me in your limited time on earth.

These are some pictures of your sisters over the past little while - I so wish that I could take more photos of you.

Comments (6)

  • 07 September 2013 at 09:14

    Monica Dart Photography - Happy 5th birthday Jude....you had so much of an impact on so many lives, you will always be remembered. I'll always remember you running off in Bayside mall every opportunity you had.x

  • 07 September 2013 at 09:26

    Simon - Once again you've managed to put into words something that I'm not sure I ever could. When I saw the hurt on your face this morning I felt the same helplessness I did on that morning- understanding the pain but also knowing its too late to do anything about it. As the male of the house my instinct is to protect my herd but this I don't know how to defend against. The most brutal of attacks and I didn't even see it coming. I'm proud of us for not falling apart, I'm proud of girls but mostly I'm proud of you, my most amazing wife. Thank you for speaking for the both of us.

  • 07 September 2013 at 10:17

    Megan - How do five such long years have fly by so quickly? Dearest Jules, Si, Mikaela and India I am holding you all and of course little Jude in my heart today. As you stand so strong and so vulnerable at the same time you allow us all (me) also to do the same. I echo Si's pride in you all and I am so grateful for the gift that you are to us. Happy Birthday Jude.

  • 07 September 2013 at 12:59

    Delre - Happy birthday Jude.
    Jules, you just know how to write to make the tears flow, wow.
    Beautifully written and beaut pics.
    India DOES look just like him :0)
    Simon - also beautifully written comment, heart felt.
    "Cheers" guys.
    xoxox

  • 07 September 2013 at 20:14

    Leebell - There are no words I can say or think of to write. There will always be a gap where Jude should be in our family. Mymkidsstill talk about Jude sometimes and it breaks my heart that they (&us too) don't have the honour of knowing him. Si, I was touched by your words too. You guys are incredible, beautiful and strong and an example and encouragement to us all. We love you guys xxxx

  • 12 September 2013 at 20:02

    nastassja harvey - Jude was so lucky to have you guys as his parents..
    sending so much love X X X X X X X X X X X

Leave a comment

You are commenting as guest.