Last week my baby boy, Jude, made his appearance into the world, 10 days early. There is so much I could say about this miraculous new addition but what has amazed me most is the overwhelming love I feel for this little guy. I have a whole new respect for people who have lost a child.I know I'm biased but man he's so cute!
Last night I dreamed that I was in the middle of a shoot and needed to change my lens. When I leaned down to my camera bag, I saw that the fronts of all my lenses had been smashed and there were chunks of glass scattered in my bag. I hadn't seen what caused it, it just was and I couldn't understand what had happened. Surely I would have seen or heard something or someone cause that? But no, it just was. It didn't occur to me in the dream to cancel the shoot - I realised that I was going to get some very different images from the session.
Seven years have passed since our World was shattered. Seven years is a long time; a lot of days and moments and hours. People don't ask about Jude that often anymore - we are busy and happy with the gorgeousness and mundanity of being parents to our two little girls and when people ask how many children I have I say: "Two girls."
It's been a year since we stepped into any parent's worst nightmare. A rare Saturday off that was meant to be spent with my family exploring our beautiful city turned into our own horror story as I found Jude dead in his cot. So unexpected, out of the blue. So final.
So many well-meaning people have said to us in sympathy: 'Wow, this is a very, very, VERY long road you guys are on'.
To a newly-grieving person, these words are nothing short of terrifying - a day is torturous to get through and if that's only a small segment of this very long road, then how the hell do you manage to get through the rest of the journey without losing the will to live?
'Today I will be unafraid. I will enjoy what is beautiful, and believe as I give to the world, so the world will give to me'
So many things have shifted in our New World. After reading this quote online the other day, I realised that a shift in my beliefs is one of the most fundamental changes that has taken place. This is a beautiful quote and one that I would have easily identified with in the past but now I know otherwise - the world does not always give you what your 'deserve'.