Five05 September 2013
For the last few weeks, your fifth birthday has been looming in my mind and I have not known what I should write to you, as I write this I have no idea what to say. You should be five today.
Was it only five years ago that you committed me to the tribe of Motherhood? Before having you, I'll admit to having rolled an eye or five at various overly-adoring or over-protective mothers. When you came into the world on a mild September morning at 11.45am, I instantly realised what they were all about.
On that day and many to follow, you taught me so much about selflessness and giving everything I had - often when I felt that there was nothing left to give. I felt complete and fullfilled and exhausted and overwhelmed and besotted and like I had waited for you my whole life.
When you were ripped away from us so suddenly, I didn't know who I was anymore. We were hurtled into the club that no one warns you about, but that you know you most definitely don't want to be a part of - that of those people who have lost a child, the club for which there is no name. I did not know who I could be or who I was anymore. Once you are a mother there is no going back - you cannot unlearn the love and sacrifices and beauty and relentlessness of motherhood.
Our hearts are once again full of so much love and we are so thankful for your two beautiful sisters who have reintroduced us into the realm of Parenthood. They know that 'Jude' is their 'brother', but they have no idea what that really means yet. I so wish that they could meet you. Would Mikaela be as girly if you were around? India and you are so similar in looks and personality, it is quite disconcerting sometimes and other times quite comforting. Would she even be here if you were still around?
What would you look like? What would you be doing? Who would you be now? The concept of you as a real little boy of five years old is beyond me, I cannot begin to imagine it at all. I don't know if I will ever be able to celebrate this day as people say we should but I will always be grateful for the lessons you taught me in your limited time on earth.
These are some pictures of your sisters over the past little while - I so wish that I could take more photos of you.